Her hands were shaking and her eyelids getting heavier and heavier, but she had to keep going. She cleared her throat and straightened her back out, trying to keep herself alert.
“Beka, enter slipstream,” Dylan said in a slightly over-dramatic voice.
“Aye-aye,” she replied, trying to sound snappy but failing miserably. Her voice sounded more dreary than anything, trying it’s hardest not to fade away. A lot like she felt. She found the slipstream portal and prepared to enter it, but her hands slipped and Dylan threw her a surprised glance.
“Beka?” She gave him a reassuring smile and tried again, this time successfully entering the slipstream. As she went along, she suddenly felt dizzy and weak, piloting the slipstream got harder and harder. She had to…she had to…
“Emergency stop!” she shouted, quickly pulling Andromeda out of the slipstream, bringing them to a painfully abrupt halt. A few sparks flew out of some of the consoles on the wall, but apart from that, they seemed to be fine. Beka took a step back, hardly able to believe what she’d just done. Pulled out of slipstream because she couldn’t handle it? She was the best pilot in the universe and it had been a perfectly normal slipstream route! Even Trance could probably have got them through. Dylan strode up to her with a bewildered expression.
“What happened Beka, what were you doing?” he barked, but his voice turned into a more concerned tone when he saw the expression on her face. Her eyes were wide as she stared around her, her complexion was looking a couple of shades paler than usual, which was saying a lot. Come to think of it, she’d been looking quite pale lately in general. Not that she hadn’t been pale already. The shaking of her hands starting to move up her arms and down her legs. Her legs buckled and before she’d fall she sat down on the floor, her head slumped over.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, “I…I just couldn’t do it. I must be…I must be sick or something.” Harper came over, kneeling next to her with a worried expression written all over him.
“Beka?” he said, “you ok?” She managed a weak smile at him.
“I’m sure I am,” she reassured him, “I just haven’t been sleeping well lately.” Harper didn’t look too convinced.
“It’s not just that,” he argued, “you’ve seemed…well…depressed lately and…” he cringed, waiting for a deadly glare, but none came, “well, maybe you’re sick. Maybe you should go see Trance.” Beka started to reassure him that she was fine and she didn’t need to see Trance, but Dylan intervened.
“I think that’s a good idea Beka,” he said, gently but firmly, “go see Trance. I don’t want to make it an order.” Beka looked as if though she was about to say something, but decided against it.
“Ok,” she said, “I will.” Harper followed her out in the corridor, somehow not wanting to leave her alone.
“I guess we’ll forget about tonight then,” he said, disappointed but persistent. She turned around and smiled at him.
“Oh, let’s still go,” she said, “we’ve been planning it for a week and I’ve really been looking forward to going there.” He still didn’t look convinced. “Going there with you,” she finished. He blushed slightly and nodded.
“Yeah all right then,” he said, not able to resist her flattery. “But we’ll make it an early night, ok?” She nodded, knowing once he’d had a few he’d forget all about it.
“Yeah, if you want. I just didn’t sleep well, I’m sure if I have a lie-down I’ll be fine.” Harper nodded hesitantly.
“Maybe. But you still have to go see Trance. I’ll walk you there.” Beka’s smile faded, but there probably wasn’t a way to get away from it. As they walked there she ravaged her mind for good excuses. So what were the obvious symptoms? Tiredness, obviously. Her weight loss wouldn’t be obvious yet, at least she didn’t think so. The shaking, but that could just be down to tiredness. She’d been feeling quite depressed, and judging by what Harper said, she’d probably been acting it too. They came to med bay and she turned to Harper.
“Well, I’m sure I can get myself inside,” she joked. He smiled at her.
“Yeah, I’m sure you can,” he said quietly. “Er…well I’ll be going back to command and…I’ll see you later.” She nodded and looked after him as he walked away, then turned and entered med bay. Trance was obviously expecting her, as she wasn’t doing anything and gave her a smile as she entered.
“Hi Beka,” she said cheerfully, “I heard there was a problem on command?” Beka shrugged.
“Yeah, I think I was just a bit tired,” she said, trying to shrug it off. Trance frowned.
“Well, I think I should ask you a few questions,” she stated calmly. Beka bit her lip, deciding she’d answer truthfully as much as she could without giving her activities away, the purple pixie could sometimes tell when you were lying.
“Have you been experiencing tiredness?” Beka rolled her eyes.
“Well obviously!” Trance smiled.
“Nausea?” Beka thought for a second.
“Yeah, a bit,” she said.
“Weakness?”
“Yeah.”
“Feeling a bit down or depressed?” Beka mumbled something unintelligible and Trance smiled at her.
“Have you been…” she hesitated, “eating well lately?” Beka thanked her lucky stars she’d had so much experience lying and scamming.
“Yeah, I think so. Normal,” she said casually. Trance frowned at her, but seemed to leave it at that.
“Drinking? Drugs?” Beka was taken aback.
“Trance!!!”
“Ok, ok. Point taken. Have you…missed any periods lately?” she said in a little more quiet voice. Beka thought for a second. She hadn’t had her period for quite a long time, had she?
“I think so.” Trance looked at the notes she’d been taking.
“Interesting…” Beka suddenly panicked. Had she answered the questions wrong? She’d thought all the ones apart from the eating one was safe, but what if Trance had figured it out? She had to think of something, and fast!
“Trance…I know what it is,” she said quietly. She didn’t have a clue what she was going to say, but if she pretended to be all shy about it, that might stall the purple girl for a while. Trance gave her a surprised glance.
“You do?” she said in a loud voice, then calmed down. “Do you want to tell me?”
“NO!” Beka’s mind shouted, but she knew Trance wouldn’t take no for an answer. She had to think of something quickly. “Well,” she said quietly, “I don’t know…it’s a bit…you know.” Trance didn’t seem to know, she just looked bewildered. Beka desperately tried to think of something. Missing periods, depression, not sleeping, not eating properly… “I had a miscarriage,” she blurted out, then her eyes widened in surprise at herself. Had she just said that? Trance seemed equally surprised.
“You had a miscarriage???” she asked disbelievingly, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!” So she had to carry it off now. What to say, what to say?
“I was…but I didn’t tell anyone,” Beka lied, making it up as she went along. “I…uh…I did a test, and it was positive. So I got really worried and everything, and I suppose I didn’t sleep well, and then one day there was just…” she tried to think of what a miscarriage was like. She really had no idea. “There was just lots of blood,” she said shortly. That was about all she knew. “Lots and lots of blood, and I wasn’t sure where it came from. And then I did another test, and it was negative. So I wasn’t pregnant anymore.” She sincerely hoped this wasn’t completely wrong, but Trance wasn’t laughing. As she looked up she looked sincerely concerned, and surprisingly, her own tears came naturally. “I must be really tired,” she managed to think before Trance cut in.
“I’m so sorry Beka. Who was the father?” Oh sh*t. To be pregnant you needed a father, didn’t you?
“I don’t know!” she said, and mentally slapped herself. That must have sounded like she was such a slut. “Well I do know,” she hurried to say, “but I don’t know his name or anything. It was just this guy I…uh, met on a drift…” she trailed off. It wasn’t a complete lie. She had met a guy on a drift who she’d slept with, and then her period had been late and she’d been a bit worried. But it must have been six or seven months ago, and she’d had her period several times since. But she had missed her periods a few times now. Though that wouldn’t be due to pregnancy. She felt so awful she felt sick for lying to Trance, who was just looking out for her, but what choice did she have? She tried to swallow the guilt, but it seemed to have made a home for itself in her chest.
“I’m so sorry Beka,” Trance added, feeling helpless. She knew she should have spoken to Beka earlier. Ok, so this wasn’t life threatening, and she’d be ok, but she shouldn’t have had to go through this on her own. There was still something inside Trance that wasn’t too sure if it was all ok now, but hadn’t Beka gone through enough lately? She decided to stop grilling her.
“Maybe I could run some tests on you,” she said softly. “Sometimes these home-tests can be wrong, and the baby could still be in there, you know. Also I can have a look if there are any after-effects, if you’re sick or anything.” Beka quickly shook her head.
“Maybe tomorrow,” she said rapidly. “I was planning to go out with Harper tonight, and I wanted to get some rest first, considering what happened on command.” Trance was uncertain.
“I’m not sure going out would be a good idea,” she started, but Beka tilted her head, looking pleading.
“Please,” she said, “I’d just really like something to get my mind off things, and I think Harper would be the right man for the job.” Trance managed a smile. She was definitely right about that. She nodded in agreement, but then turned serious, putting a hand on Beka’s shoulder. She was surprised when her friend quickly jerked away, but didn’t comment.
“I think you should consider some form of counselling,” she said softly, “no one should have to go through something like a miscarriage on their own.” She noticed Beka winced as she mentioned the word. Not surprising really.
“Yeah, er, I’ll think about it, ok Trance? But I’m going to try to get some sleep now, and maybe we can talk about it some other time.” Trance nodded as her friend quickly exited medical, then her façade fell. Was this really it? She had no reason to doubt Beka, but something inside was gnawing at her, telling her she didn’t know the whole truth. She tried to shrug it off.
“Why would Beka lie to me?” she reprimanded herself. “There’s no good reason. None at all.”
