Beka turned around and rubbed her eyes, looking at him sleepily. He was surprised she’d fallen asleep so quickly, they’d only been laying there for five or ten minutes. For a moment he felt a pang of guilt for waking her up.
“Er, never mind,” he mumbled. She frowned at him and leaned over to stroke his hair with a worried glance. He suddenly felt like everything was back to normal, and she was fussing over him instead of the other way around. It made him realise that no matter how much he used to get annoyed with her taking care of him, he did miss it. The feeling of protection, like he could always rely on her to be there, to make the right decisions, to take care of everyone. Seeing Beka so vulnerable made him uneasy, like the only thing that was constant in his world, the only thing he could rely on was crumbling. He immediately scolded himself for thinking that. This time it was up to him, wasn’t it? Wasn’t he capable of taking care of things?
“Are you ok?” she whispered, her eyes filled with worry. Why would she be worrying about him? He wasn’t the one who had…no, he wasn’t going there. He plastered on a smile.
“I’m fine.” He tried to make his voice sound reassuring, but didn’t succeed. She sighed and looked away guiltily.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to make you…I don’t know…” He put his hand on her arm reassuringly and flinched, swallowing the lump in his throat. He knew her condition, but feeling it so closely…it was painful.
“No, it’s not…it’s not that,” he said, suddenly remembering what he had first woken her up for. He just had to ask her, though he was scared it would only make things worse. Maybe by reminding her he’d make her feel awkward around him so she wouldn’t want him there anymore. Could he afford that? Reason told him to leave it alone, to forget about it for now but of course, reason doesn’t do much when feelings are running wild. “Beka…do you remember that time when I…er, when I asked you to dinner?” The look on her face changed, and he could swear her unnaturally pale cheeks blushed slightly. A small nod was the only reply he got, but he took it. “Why did you run?” He wasn’t really expecting an answer, so was surprised when he did get one.
“Because…two reasons.” She turned away from him again and he could hear her voice breaking slightly. He wanted to leave it so badly, but he just couldn’t.
“What?” he urged her.
“For one…you were…you know…trying to touch me.” She said it silently, and Harper frowned, trying to remember. He wasn’t sure, but now that she said it, she had only ran when his hands moved down to her body. He swallowed. What mostly worried him about that was that if he had felt her he’d have been shocked with how thin she was. He wondered if this was what she thought he’d feel. Again, against his better judgment, he had to ask.
“What did you think I’d feel if I had?” He said it softly, but she didn’t answer. He swallowed. “Beka, did you think…that I would think…that you were…” he couldn’t use the word fat. It sounded so wrong, but what else to say? “that you were…too…big?” A quiet sob confirmed his suspicions, and he rolled over on his back with a sigh. The scary thing was, he knew she still believed she was fat. However that was possible. He felt Beka trembling, pressed up tightly against the wall. He had to fix this.
“You’re not,” he said. “You never have been, but now you’re really, really not. I don’t understand it, Beka.” His voice was getting louder. “You do know how much you weigh, don’t you?” She nodded ever so slightly. “So,” he continued, “how can you possibly believe that?” She didn’t answer, and he suspected she couldn’t. He turned around to her, suddenly frustrated. “You’re skeletal,” he said, a little louder than normal tone, but not quite a cry, “why can’t you see it?” Her trembling increased, and she curled up tightly. He’d gone too far. He pulled the covers up over her, tucking it snugly under her chin. The warm pyjamas she was wearing combined with the thick duvet should make her boiling hot, hell, it was making him boiling hot and he was sleeping in his underwear! For some reason it didn’t. He waited for a few minutes until her trembling subsided somewhat before continuing, trying to change the subject.
“What about the second reason?” He thought he knew the answer, but he didn’t want to believe it. Unfortunately, she confirmed what he already was aware of.
“Because…because it was only cause you felt sorry for me that you did it…and I don’t want pity.” She swallowed. “Anything, just not pity.” He got a sudden urge to hug her, to roll over and hold her until it was all ok again. But that wouldn’t help, not like it had always helped with him. No matter how strong his urge was, touching her would only make things worse.
“It wasn’t!” he said, too late realising he sounded like a child trying to convince a teacher it wasn’t him throwing the stone through the window. “Look, it really wasn’t,” he added, calmer. “Come on Beka, who’s unlucky in love around here?” There was no answer, but she’d uncurled slightly and he knew he had her attention. He sighed. “Look, I’m not trying to…I don’t want to put you in a situation that you’re not comfortable with, so I’m not going to push this, all right?” It felt so weird, reassuring her like this. Their roles had switched on so many levels. “I just really want you to know what I did had nothing to do with pity. I did it because I wanted to.” He stopped, knowing he wouldn’t get anywhere. She wouldn’t believe him, but maybe he could at least awaken a doubt in her, questioning what her illness caused her to believe. He gently stroked her hair, getting as close as he could to her without actually touching. It was all he dared to do.
“Um, I’m going to…go back to sleep now. Is that ok?” He paused, searching for any sarcastic hint to her voice. There was none. He nodded against her hair, whispering affirmative in her ear. He felt her twitch slightly when he moved closer and disappointedly moved back again. So at least she’d answered his questions, but her answers only raised more. If she thought he wasn’t interested, did that mean she was? That she’d pulled away because she thought he didn’t really want her? Well, that and the fact that he’d think she was fat. He cringed at the thought, still unable to understand that. He wished she would tell him more about it, but she seemed to get so upset if he even mentioned it. He couldn’t help himself as he curled up and sneaked an arm around her, this time not receiving any resistance. Quickly, they both fell asleep, their minds filled with questions.
