”You’re doing great,” Trance praised as she checked Beka’s weight on the monitor. Wanting to be gentle with her feelings, she didn’t actually tell her friend how much she’d put on so far, but it was going well, if only slowly. At least it meant it was slowly getting better. Beka managed a weak smile.
“Can I go now?” Trance might not actually have said anything, but she knew she’d put on weight, and it unsettled her. Even though the reasonable part of her now sort of knew eating was a good thing, her emotions still told her she needed to lose more weight. Could her reason win over her feelings? Maybe. They were now, but mainly because she couldn’t stand to see the look on Harper’s face when she didn’t eat. She might never admit it, but she really cared for him, and she wasn’t quite sure how anymore. The memory of the time they’d kissed often sneaked it’s way into her mind, no matter how much she tried to suppress it. Of course it didn’t occupy her mind anywhere near as much as thoughts about food, weight, and everything related. Leaving med bay, she had a small bout of anxiety over her weight-gain and broke into a jog. Numbers ran through her mind, wondering how much she actually weighed now. Trance had told her not to not think about weight, and therefore would not let her know. It bothered her. Jogging felt great though, even if she wasn’t sure why. Was it because exercise was good? Or was it because she could feel the calories being burnt?
“I thought you were not allowed exercise.” The strong hands stopping her from behind along with the deep, bored voice left no doubt.
“Tyr, I…” He didn’t stop to listen.
“I really couldn’t care less if you decide to starve yourself to death. However, if I have to follow orders, there is no reason why you shouldn’t. And I am certain Miss Gemini forbad you from any exercise until you’ve met her minimum weight.” It was true, and Beka didn’t really have anything to answer to it. Tyr shrugged and walked away and Beka started walking back towards the Maru, cheeks burning with embarrassment. She had no friendship with Tyr, but something had always made her want to prove herself to him. Maybe because he looked down on her so much, maybe just because he would never see her as an equal. At least he wouldn’t pity her, not like everyone else.
****
Harper hated this. She had said she’d be absolutely fine without him, and that he was being silly, but he still hated it. She’d said he could use a night on his own, and Trance had agreed. Dylan had threatened to make it an order to stay away from the Maru. He wasn’t so sure that was entirely serious. It wasn’t like it bothered him, not like everyone seemed to think it did. He wasn’t taking care of a baby, or an invalid. All he did was keep Beka company, and that was hardly a difficult job. The only difficult part was seeing her in so much pain, and he worried about what would happen if he weren’t there. Then again, what was there to worry about? It wasn’t like she was going to do anything, she probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there, but he was going there before she went to sleep anyway. So what was he so worried about?
“This is stupid,” he thought angrily, “I’ve got this night off because I should be relaxing, and I’m less relaxed than when I’m with her!” He considered just forgetting about it and going back for a moment before he thought of something. Maybe it wasn’t only about him needing a break from her, maybe she needed a break from him as well. Some part of him hadn’t actually thought of it like that. “It must be quite weird,” he mused, “just like it is for me. I feel strange because she’s always been the one taking care of me. Maybe she feels the same way.” The thought unsettled him somewhat, but also made him feel slightly comfortable. He wasn’t the only one feeling weird about the sudden change of roles. Though lately he hadn’t been “taking care of her” so much as just being there. During the last couple of months, things had been getting slightly better, though part of him wondered if it was just an act she was putting on to get them out of her hair. He hoped not. Trance had said some victims of her illness never fully recovered, but somehow he still couldn’t accept that was a possible outcome. It couldn’t be. She’d be ok, he knew it. She’d put on weight, she’d realise she wasn’t fat and she’d be happy again. He’d do anything to see her happy again.
He decided he’d better do something to take his mind off her only for this night, so he sat down with a sparky and a holodrama. For a while, he enjoyed it, but found himself constantly asking Andromeda for the time, hoping his night off would soon be over.
“What’s the point,” he asked Andromeda after the fifteenth time of asking, “I’m drinking sparky and watching holodramas…something I do nearly daily on the Maru anyway.”
“Because you are meant to get a break,” the disembodied voice of the ship replied, “you’re meant to get a night to yourself where you don’t need to care for anyone else.”
“But I don’t care for her,” he whined, “I’m just there. We hang out just like normal…it’s just the meals that are different. Other than that, we either do stuff together or separately. Does it really matter where I’m sitting?” He could have sworn Andromeda gave a surrendering sigh.
“I suppose not,” she admitted, “so go back to the Maru then, if that’s what makes you happy.” He didn’t have to be told twice.
****
Humming softly to herself, Beka finished sorting out her holonovels for the thirteenth time. Ordering them in alphabetical order was boring, so she decided to order them in size order, and it all went from there. It was the only thing she could think of doing, and it kept her from thinking too much. Part of her wished Harper was there, but another part was glad that she wasn’t. When she was alone she might have been unhappier, but at least she didn’t have to put on a happy face. Wiping away a stray tear that had dared to leave her eye, she stood up and neatly returned the box to its usual place. She wasn’t normally neat, but cleaning up gave her something to do all day, and as Harper tended to throw things everywhere, it always needed doing.
She was tired, and decided to go to sleep. Thoughts of dinner hadn’t even crossed her mind as she strayed over to her wardrobe to get her pyjamas out. Her usual tank top and boxer shorts had since long been replaced with the warm cotton pyjamas and she slipped into it with a contended sigh. Taking care not to look in the mirror, something that still frightened her, she walked over to the bed and curled up in a ball. Slipping under the duvet, she relaxed slightly, confident that she was now hidden she closed her eyes. It would be ages before Harper returned, enough time to get to sleep. Enough time to…
What exactly? And why wasn’t the fact that Harper wouldn’t return in ages making her happy? That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? Privacy? The right to be alone on her own ship? It was certainly what she was meant to want. So why wasn’t it? Angrily closing her eyes again, she tried to go to sleep, but the question haunted her. The truth was, she wanted him to come back. Not the part where he made her eat, but the part where they hung out, playing games or just talking. She liked not being alone, though of course she wouldn’t admit it. She couldn’t have him feeling he had to be there for her, though he obviously felt that already. She wished he didn’t. Though of course she liked him being there, it was plainly some form of loyalty, like he thought he owed her something for saving him from Earth. He didn’t, of course. She’d tell him this, but he’d just deny it, say he was there because he cared about her. Which she believed he did, but…
Her thoughts were interrupted by Harper suddenly entering, three hours early.
