Beka quickly closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. She wasn’t entirely sure why she wanted him to think she was sleeping, but he seemed to fall for it. She could sense him coming close to her before walking away, most likely getting ready for bed. It was really early for her to be sleeping, but she’d been so bored and there was nothing else to do. She started to regret pretending to be asleep, because she really wanted to ask him what he was doing there so early. She decided to pretend to wake up. She sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes.
“Harper? You here already?” She feigned surprise. He looked over at her with an embarrassed smile.
“I just, erm,” he stuttered, “I was just…” he sighed. “I had nothing to do anyway and I’d rather be with you,” he admitted, blushing slightly. She looked away, feeling a little embarrassed, but quite happy at this revelation.
“Oh,” she wasn’t sure what to say to this, “um, ok. That’s nice.” She dared a small smile at him and was suddenly reminded of the kiss, the kiss she still didn’t know if it was genuine or an attempt to make her feel better. Was this the same thing? Was he telling the truth? Did he really come back because he wanted to be with her, or did he say that because he thought it would make her happy? Sometimes she wished she could read minds. It would make everything so much easier.
“Guilder for your thoughts?” Harper mumbled, obviously noticing she was distracted. She looked up at him and shot him a smile.
“Oh nothing,” she lied, hoping her voice wouldn’t betray her, “I’m just really tired.” He frowned.
“It’s early,” he said. “Are you feeling well?” His concern was more than it should be, and she knew why. Before she’d started eating more or less regularly, she’d been sleeping almost constantly from the lack of energy. Since she’d started eating again, she’d been sleeping more like a normal person, so she guessed he was worried. Though he was with her when she ate, so how could he think…it dawned on her.
“I’m not getting rid of the food,” she stated calmly, “I’m not throwing up.” She had to admit she was a little hurt he’d think that. Though could she blame him? She saw relief flash across his face before he hid it again.
“I wasn’t thinking that at all,” he lied. Beka smiled, he’d always been a terrible liar. “I was just thinking maybe you were sick or something.” She shook her head.
“Nope,” she said, “No, I’m fine. Probably just bored.” Shouldn’t have said that. Now he’d think he couldn’t leave her alone. Again.
“Well, don’t fear,” he said jokingly, “the Harper is here!” It was so corny she had to laugh.
“Actually,” she said, “I was just going to go to sleep. But you do whatever you want to do.” He nodded, then seemed to remember something.
“Erm,” he said “so did you eat anything while I was gone?” She hesitated for a moment. It would be so easy to lie to him, say she had, make up a meal that sounded plausible. She was going to do just that, but something stopped her. It wasn’t because she had an uncontrollable urge to get better, she just couldn’t lie to him.
“No,” she admitted, “I wasn’t really hungry. Sorry. I forgot.” He looked disappointed, but not surprised.
“Ok. Well, we could just have a sandwich, as it’s a little late for dinner. Do you want to make it or do I get them from the autochef?” She shook her head.
“It’s ok, I’ll make them.” She got out of bed and walked towards the small kitchen area.
“Cool,” he said with a grin, “they’re nicer when you make them.” She suspected he was only trying to make her feel good, but it did work. She quite enjoyed cooking for him now, and it also made her feel slightly as if she was paying him back for staying with her all the time. Well, a little bit anyway.
****
Harper stared at her in awe.
“Beka…do you realise you just ate the whole sandwich?” He couldn’t conceal the joy from his voice as she stared dumbfounded at the empty plate in front of her. At first she looked shocked, then as if she was about to cry. She quickly dodged it though and plastered on what he knew to be a fake smile.
“Oh…” she said, her voice quivering slightly. “Yeah. So I did.” The worst time of the day was just after she’d eaten, when she’d have some form of anxiety attack, whether it was big or small. So far she’d never tried to throw it up again, but he knew it was hard for her to keep away. So he’d always try to distract her, which made him feel a bit stupid. It might work with a baby, but Beka wasn’t a baby. It made things a little better though, or so he liked to think.
“Do you want to go to sleep now or do you want to help me with some repairs?”
“Yeah, I’ll come and help you,” she said quickly, grateful for the distraction. They walked in silence towards the engine room as he tried to think of something to say. It had taken him a while, but he had learnt what his role in this was. Just a friend. When it came to the medical side of things, Trance would cover it. Emotions would be talked about in Beka’s counselling sessions with Rommie. He was just…well his relationship to her was just the way it always had been, more or less. Of course if she wanted to talk to him about stuff he’d let her, though that hadn’t happened yet. Part of him was a bit disappointed about that, but he probably wouldn’t know what to say if she did.
“So,” he started, more to break the silence than anything else, “how are the sessions with Rommie going?”
“Fine,” she replied shortly, obviously not too keen to talk about it. She followed his lead in the endless repairs that always needed to be done, if a little cautiously. “I’m,” she stuttered, “Erm, Harper…you know you don’t, you know, have to be here…” He stopped for a second and looked over at her.
“But I want to,” he said a little awkwardly. “Not just because…you know, but because you’re my friend and I like being with you.” A small smile crossed her face.
“And you’re not just saying that?” The vulnerable look on her face would have made it impossible to lie to her even if he wanted to.
“No. I’m really not. I really, really do want to be here.” It dawned on him how true that really was. Maybe the rest of the crew was marvelling at his selflessness, but they were wrong. Part of him almost wondered if this might have just been an excuse. If maybe he was glad to have this opportunity to spend all this time with her, and it seeming completely natural. Ugh, no, he couldn’t think like that. However much he liked spending time with her, it really wasn’t worth this illness. No. No thinking like that.
But the doubt was still there.
