Trance glanced over at her friend, knowing he had called her there for a reason but deciding to give him the time he needed. He was looking awkward, walking back and forth, now silent. A few minutes ago he had been making his normal Harperesque jokes, most likely to cover up what he really wanted to talk about. He finally sat down and looked her in the eyes.
”It’s about Beka.” She suddenly felt worried. She’d thought everything was going all right.
”What about her?” She tried to conceal the worry from her voice. After all, she could be getting worked up over nothing. Harper drew a deep breath and closed his eyes.
”I think I love her,” he blurted out. She breathed a sigh of relief and giggled.
”Of course you do, Harper! I love her and you both. We’re family and that’s why it feels so hard when…”
”No, Trance,” he interrupted. ”I meant…I love her.” Trance’s smile faded as it dawned on her and her eyes widened.
”Oh!” she exclaimed. ”That’s…”
****
”…unexpected Harper. I never knew that.” Beka heard the words spoken as she walked past hydroponics and couldn’t help listening. She knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop, but the session she’d just had with Rommie had depressed her somewhat and she now wanted to know what was going on with Harper. She casually stopped, straining her ears to hear what was going on.
”I didn’t know either. I mean, I think we all knew I always had a bit of a schoolboy crush on her, but that was just...I mean, you know I hit on anything that moves!”
”Yes Harper,” came Trance’s patient voice, ”I think we all know that. But it’s not like that now?” Beka tensed up. What were they talking about?
”Now…it’s not just a crush, Trance. I really do love her. I mean, just look…” she heard him start pacing the room, ”she’s perfect! Beautiful and…”
”Ok,” Trance said, ”I get it. When did this happen?” Beka suddenly wished she hadn’t eavesdropped on this conversation, but she wasn’t sure why it bothered her so much. So Harper was in love with Rommie, obviously. It didn’t take a genius to figure out. She’d always known he had a crush on her, but love? He really truly was in love?
”I’m not actually quite sure,” Harper sighed, ”and I’m really regretting all that hitting on her I did in the beginning, you know? Because now she might never take me seriously.”
”Don’t worry Harper,” Trance said soothingly, ”I’m sure you could work it out.” Beka swallowed. She shouldn’t feel so bad about it! Why was she feeling so bad?
”So do you think…I should tell her?” She turned around and ran. She didn’t want to hear anymore.
Trance sighed, unaware of the uninvited listener who had just left.
”No,” she said bluntly. His head jerked up, obviously surprised at the answer.
”No?” he said unbelievingly. She sighed and started to explain.
”Look, she’s doing better now, and I don’t want to ruin that. You’ve been a really good friend to her, and she might think you’ve only been that because you want something else from her…”
”That’s not true!” Trance rolled her eyes.
”I know that! But she might not. Anyway, if she doesn’t return your feelings it could get very awkward, and I don’t mean to sound cold but her recovery is my first priority. And even in the best case scenario, where she returns your feelings, things could get bad. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to start a romantic relationship. And if things get awkward between the two of you, well I think that could be disastrous.” He looked up at her with sad eyes. ”Look, I’m not saying never act on it. Just not right now, ok? Things will get better, I promise. It’s just that I don’t think she’s stable enough to deal with anything else right now. If you really love her, just be a friend now. Please?” He sighed.
”I guess you’re right, it’s just…do you have any idea how hard it is to be there everyday and see her struggling? I just want to kiss her and make it all better, but how can I when she doesn’t even know how I feel? Trance, maybe it would even make things better if I told her? You know, make her feel loved, attractive even.” Trance sighed.
”It might,” she admitted, ”but I just don’t think it’s worth the risk, at least not yet. Look, why don’t you go talk to Rommie?” He frowned.
”What has she got to do with it?”
”Well, it sounds like you’re having a hard time. Maybe talking to her as a counsellour could help you with your own feelings.” He frowned, then nodded slowly.
”I don’t know…do you think it would help me help Beka better?” Trance giggled.
”Maybe.” He lightened up.
”Because if I do…then she’ll get better quickly and I can tell her…” his expression clouded over, ”that’s a horrible thing to say isn’t it? That sounded like I want her to get better just because I…because that’s not true!” Trance put a hand on his shoulder.
”I know that,” she said. ”It’s ok, I understand. Look, just because Beka’s going through a hard time doesn’t mean you’re not allowed feelings. I’ll talk to Rommie and arrange something. All right?” He nodded.
”Thanks Trance.” He sounded sincere. She just smiled at him as he left hydroponics and giggled, going back to her plants. He could be so cute sometimes.
****
She wasn’t sure why she felt so…miserable. So Harper was in love with Rommie. And? Why did that bother her so much? Tears surfaced in her eyes as she thought back to their kiss. Well, she’d always known why he did that. It was nothing. It didn’t matter. She wiped away the tears that were rapidly running down her cheeks. She sank down on the bed as she had to admit it to herself. She was upset because even though she knew he could never love her this confirmed it. How could she look him into the eye now, how could she have him around when she knew he had someone else on his mind? Even if he hadn’t loved her like that, it had been ok, because he hadn’t loved anyone else either. She sobbed, sinking down on the floor. She loved him. She had to admit it, even if only to herself. And some part of her had hoped that maybe he loved her too. But why would he? She’d never be like Rommie. Sure, she could lose weight and become thin like her, but how could she ever be as beautiful? How could she compete with someone who had randomised her appearance 170894 times to get just the right look, when she’d only had it randomised once? And not just that, but Harper was obsessed with machines, it made sense for him to have a girlfriend he could tinker with! Normally, that thought would have made her laugh, but today it just made her more depressed. Getting up, she suddenly rushed into the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet. Giving herself no time to hesitate, she stuck her fingers down her throat and clenched her eyes shut as the horrible feeling of vomiting came over her. She felt so horribly sick, but at the same time it made her feel so much better, especially afterwards as she slumped down on the floor, panting. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done, but somehow she just lacked the motivation to try any longer. She just felt as if everything was slipping through her fingers and she couldn’t control it. She was losing everything, and she wanted desperately to be in control of something. Somehow, losing weight seemed to be the only thing she could control.
