It was the fourth day in hell. Beka was counting. She wasn’t sure what she hated the most, the meals or the fact you weren’t allowed to go to your room. No, she was. The meals were definitely the worst, but she hated sitting in the so-called “social room”. She’d decided to sit in a corner and try to look engrossed in something, which she wasn’t quite sure what it was. So far it had worked, she’d sit there for a few hours and eventually be allowed to go upstairs. Which basically meant she’d do the same but no one would look at her.
“Beka?” It was Nathaniel’s voice. She looked up. “We’re all going to play a game. Want to join?” She shook her head. Play a game? How old did they think she was? Three? He sighed. “Look, it’d be really good if you could get more involved in the group.”
“I’m not part of any group.” He shook his head and sighed.
“Suit yourself.” She turned all her focus back to her fingernail. She didn’t want to get involved in anything. They could make her stay there, but they couldn’t make her like it. Suddenly, she heard someone sit down next to her.
“If you’ve come to convince me to join in the fun and games, forget it,” she said without looking up. She heard a snort.
“As if!” She looked up surprised. One of the patients was sitting next to her, a woman with cropped, dark hair. “That stuff is just stupid,” the woman continued, “they really think we’re going to suddenly get better if we bond by playing stupid games.”
“Why would we want to bond anyway?” Beka asked. “We’re only here because we have to, not because we’re so drawn to each other.” The other woman giggled.
“I’m Fee by the way,” she said.
“Beka.”
“I know. I know everything that goes on around here. I’ve been in and out of here four times now.” Beka raised an eyebrow.
“Is that common?”
“It happens,” Fee shrugged, “but this time I’m really not going to relapse.”
“Didn’t you think that the other times?” Fee shook her head.
“No, but my teeth are getting really bad and I guess it just made me realise…besides, all this stuff they drum into us, it’s got to get somewhere, doesn’t it?” She grinned and Beka could see that yes, her teeth did indeed look pretty bad. She didn’t look that thin though, actually she looked quite normal-sized and Beka frowned.
“Um…why the teeth?”
“I’m bulimic,” Fee explained, surprisingly unashamed, “I can’t stop eating and then I make myself throw up. Doesn’t make me rake-thin, but it’s still not good for you.”
“Oh,” Beka said, nearly blushing with Fee’s bluntness.
“You’re…anorexic?” Beka shrugged.
“Whatever.”
“Ah. Fair enough. So, your first time here?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, take my advice; try to make it the only time. I know right now it seems like all you want is to continue doing…whatever you do, but really, that’s not you thinking, it’s the illness.” Beka looked at her suspiciously.
“Are you sure you’re not one of them?” Fee laughed out loud.
“Yes, fairly sure,” she confirmed. “Just that years and years of struggling with all this sh*t does that to you. I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s not worth it.” Something irked in Beka as she realised Fee was right.
“Maybe you’re right,” she mumbled.
“Well,” Fee replied, “you’ll get there eventually. See you later.” Beka glanced at the punky girl as she stood up and walked off. Where she was going Beka had no idea.
****
Great, it was dinnertime again. As Nathaniel was her careworker, it was from then on his task to make sure she was eating. As usual, she found herself picking at the food.
“Come on Beka, that’s going to go cold,” he urged in his soft voice. She groaned and picked up a piece, testingly putting it in her mouth. Divine, why did it have to be so hard?
“There just doesn’t seem to be a point,” she moaned, unsure of why she was saying this to him. He sat down next to her.
“What do you mean? You can talk to me you know.”
“Oh, it doesn’t matter.” She put the fork back down and leaned back in her seat. “Just, what’s the point of putting myself through this?”
“Your life?”
“Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be much of a reason.” He made a sad face.
“Sounds a bit depressing, want to tell me about it?” She shook her head.
“Not really. I just don’t want to have to struggle with this anymore.” His face suddenly changed expressions and she got the impression he was having an idea.
“Is it just the eating that bothers you?”
“Well…yeah, mostly.” She didn’t really feel like telling him the whole story about her and Harper.
“Because…there might be another way.” She frowned at him as she suddenly found his hand gently caressing her leg. “I’m sure we could come to some form of…agreement.”
