Beka slumped down on the bed, blankly staring ahead as she pulled her shirt around her, buttoning it up absently. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She couldn’t believe she’d gone so far that she would do this just to get out of eating. She also couldn’t believe he had suggested it in the first place.
But she couldn’t refuse him. How could she, when she knew what the alternative was? She’d already tried eating the meals and it was hell. This was at least better.
It wasn’t like he had asked for much. He’d wanted her to take her shirt off for a few minutes, why she had no idea. It seemed to excite him somehow, and it all appeared rather contradictive to her. He was telling her she needed to put on weight, yet it seemed to give him sexual satisfaction, looking at her body the way it was. Peculiar. She wrapped the shirt tighter around her. She felt violated in a sense, which was strange as she’d been quite willing to do what he’d asked of her. Granted, only because she got something out of it, but still.’
Now she wouldn’t have to eat anything she didn’t want to. This calmed her down a great deal. He’d give her the food, but he’d smuggle it into the bin when she didn’t want it. Which she wouldn’t. Ever. She curled back towards the wall and sniffled. She’d have to stay there, which was a downfall. But she couldn’t live with the alternative. Why didn’t they understand? She had tried to get better, but it hadn’t worked. She couldn’t try anymore, she wasn’t strong enough. It was too hard to face her fears everyday, and she didn’t want to carry that cross anymore. She just wanted to give up and scream to them that she couldn’t do it. They could talk as much as they wanted about her having to fight for herself and get better, but it was easier said than done. She couldn’t do it, and she wasn’t even sure if it was worth it. Was this fight worth living for? It was so much easier just letting go and letting what was going to happen happen. She didn’t need to interfere. She couldn’t do it.
Funny enough, she actually felt better after deciding that. She felt strangely relieved and fell back with a sigh of relief.
****
“Harper!” He turned around to see Rommie running up to him. “Are you going to see Beka?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Just wondering if you’d mind if I come.” He shrugged.
“If you want.”
“I haven’t been to see her yet and I feel a little bad about it.”
“I know how it feels, I feel bad her just being there.”
“Harper, it’s not your fault.”
“I know that, but it still feels like I failed. I was meant to care for her, wasn’t I?” Rommie put a hand on his shoulder as they walked along the corridor.
“Please don’t blame yourself. You know what Trance said, we should have had her properly cared for to start with. It was wrong to put all that responsibility on you.”
“I still feel like it should be me caring for her rather than them.” Rommie glanced at him.
“Are you still…” she trailed off. He looked up at her.
“In love with her? Yeah…”
“I guess that doesn’t make things any easier?”
“Not exactly.”
“Well, you know Harper, I’m always there if you want someone to talk to. You stopped doing your counselling sessions.”
“I know. Thanks Rommie but…”
“I understand.”
****
Liz came into the room and walked straight up to Beka where she was sitting slumped on the sofa, waiting for when she’d finally get to go back to her room.
“Beka?” She glanced up.
“Yeah?”
“Your friends are here to see you. Harper and your other friend…” she thought for a second, “Rommie, isn’t it?” Beka paled. So had they come together to admit they did have a relationship? This had been what she had wanted but…she didn’t want it now. She didn’t want to know.
“Um, I’m…I’m…” she couldn’t find words.
“Beka, why don’t you want to see them?”
“I don’t really feel…could you tell them I’m busy?” Liz raised an eyebrow.
“Doing what?”
“I don’t know! I’m…sleeping. Got a fever,” she said hopefully. Liz sighed.
“Fine, just this once,” she said, “but in the future, you deal with your guests yourself, all right?” Beka nodded, anything to get rid of them. It was nice to know they’d decided not to lie to her anymore, but she couldn’t quite deal with it. Not yet, anyway. She curled up on the sofa with a sigh, wishing she could have gone up to her room to be alone with her thoughts.
She wasn’t in love with him. She couldn’t be. It just wasn’t possible.
