“Hey, are you ok?” Fee gave her a concerned glance and Beka’s head snapped up. Damn. She’d nodded off again, hadn’t she?
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she mumbled, hoping Fee hadn’t noticed. The dark-haired woman gave her a suspicious glance.
“Ok, please tell me, how do you do it?” She squirmed. “No, wait, I don’t want to know! Oh but yes I do,” she sighed. “How do you do it?” Beka frowned.
“Do what?”
“Well,” Fee leaned in conspiratorially, “I can see you’re not putting on any weight. Actually I’d be damned if you haven’t lost some over the past few weeks.” Beka blushed heavily and looked away. “How did you do it? Oh gosh no, I don’t want to know, I can’t go down that road and neither should you.” She took a deep breath. “But I do want to know. How do you do it?”
“I…I’m not doing anything. It probably just takes a while.” She looked away, not wanting Fee to see she was blushing. How could she tell her friend she’d been excused from eating in exchange for undressing in front of Nathaniel?
“Takes a while? It’s been weeks and you look like a walking guitar string.”
“No, I don’t. Listen, just forget it. I’m not doing anything and I don’t need you having a go at me about it as well,” she said, standing up.
“It’s not like I’d tell,” Fee shouted. “I thought we were friends, and you’re not even sharing your secrets with me, you know it’s hard for me as well.”
“You said you wanted to get better,” Beka said, biting her lip, “that you didn’t want to be sick anymore.”
“That doesn’t mean…look, I’m only curious, ok? But if you don’t want to tell me, fine!” She started to walk out of the room and Beka sank down on the floor and started to cry. She was grateful the room was empty aside from the two of them, or crying would have been far to embarrassing, but she felt like she just couldn’t cope with anymore. Fee turned back as she saw Beka helplessly sobbing on the floor.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” she said, considerably softer than before. Beka tried to reply, but it seemed hard somehow. Could she tell Fee what had been going on? It seemed she would burst if she didn’t tell anyone, and she was so scared.
“I…I…it’s Nathaniel.” Fee frowned.
“What about him?”
“He…he wanted to make a deal with me. He’d let me off for not eating if I…if I…” She let out a sob. Fee’s eyes grew wide.
“Beka.” Her voice was steady, but fearful. “What did he get you to do?” Beka sniffled.
“It wasn’t so bad,” she whispered. “He only wanted me to…you know, take my shirt off for a bit or so. But…”
“But what?” Fee had sunken down next to her and was stroking her back consolingly.
“Last night, he said it wasn’t enough anymore,” Beka sobbed. “He said…he said if I don’t sleep with him he won’t keep his end of the deal anymore.” Fee was silent for a few moments before speaking.
“You’ve got to tell Liz,” she said as calmly as she could.
“How can I?” Beka sobbed, “I’ve been pretending to be doing well, and she’ll tell everyone and…I can’t believe what I did just to get out of eating.”
“Beka!” Fee’s voice suddenly grew into a cry. “You didn’t…did you?”
“No! Of course not…I couldn’t. But all the other stuff, I did do that. And I feel so bad for it, so…desperate.” Fee took a deep breath.
“He’s done it before to other girls. I know one of them even slept with him to get out of eating. She had to be rushed to hospital eventually, and I never saw her again. I mean, I assume they sent her somewhere else, but you never know…”
“What does he do…if you won’t sleep with him?”
“I don’t know. Beka, you’ve got to tell.” She shook her head firmly.
“I can’t,” she said as she walked out of the room.
****
“Hey, I thought…I’d come and see you.” Beka snapped around to see Harper standing in her doorway. Liz had obviously decided to send him straight up instead of asking her first. She attempted a smile.
“Hi.”
“You…all right?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” she quipped as she walked past him, trying to look as busy as she could. Hard to do really, as there wasn’t anything to look busy with.
“Look, Beka…” she could hear this was hard for him. “I’m not sure what’s happened between us lately. I mean, we were doing fine, weren’t we? Until, just, suddenly you wouldn’t talk to me anymore. And then that one time, just before you left, you came and you started talking to me…and then there was something about Rommie and me, and you wouldn’t talk to me again. Please Beka, I hate things being this weird between us. I miss you.” She turned around.
“Ok, fine, I just wanted you to be honest with me ok? But it seems you can’t do that.”
“I’m not…”
“I mean,” she continued, “what is so hard really with admitting you and Rommie have a relationship? And why is it that you think you can’t tell me? Especially when I know anyway!”
“Here we go again,” Harper cried, “this me and Rommie thing, I don’t get it. Where did you get that crazy idea from?”
“Let’s see,” Beka said, “a certain conversation with Trance when we were still ‘doing fine’ as you put it. I seem to remember mentions of ‘always having had a schoolboy crush’, that she’s ‘beautiful, perfect’ and that you’re regretting hitting on her in the beginning cause she might not take you seriously. And no, I didn’t eavesdrop, I overheard and I left…after a bit. Ok, so I’m sorry for eavesdropping. And then the next day I asked Andromeda where you were and you were with Rommie, in privacy mode. Please, what more proof do you need?” His mouth was wide open and she crossed her arms over her chest. “I’d be happy for you, you know,” she lied, “if you could just tell me the truth!”
Harper stared at her. She’d heard that conversation he’d had so long ago? But he hadn’t been talking about Rommie! Though of course she’d think that. He opened his mouth to tell her the truth.
”If she doesn’t return your feelings it could get very awkward, and I don’t mean to sound cold but her recovery is my first priority. And even in the best case scenario, where she returns your feelings, things could get bad. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to start a romantic relationship. I don’t think she’s stable enough to deal with anything else right now. If you really love her, just be a friend.”
Trance had been right, hadn’t she? Harper sighed and turned around, leaving the room. He’d have to talk to her and get back to Beka later. Somehow it seemed, there was no good solution now.
Beka sank down on the bed, on the verge of tears. So there she had the truth. He was going out with Rommie, but he still wouldn’t tell her. With all this on top of what had happened with Nathaniel, she just didn’t know how much longer she could go on for.
