Her face clouded over quickly and she straightened herself out.
“Look, it’s fine if you’ve…changed your mind, or if what you said back then wasn’t…true. I wouldn’t…I’d be fine.”
“No!” he replied quickly. “That wasn’t what I was about to say.” She gave him a hesitant look.
“What then?”
“I just wanted to say that, well, I think we should take it easy. I do want to be with you, it’s not that, but this is totally the wrong time. That’s why I never told you in the first place, the timing is, well, it’s really…crap.”
“So…what do you want to do?”
“Maybe we could just do what we were doing before? I mean, I think we should just be friends. For now. Then, when things start to get better…well, we can see, can’t we?” She hesitated for a moment.
“Are you sure you really mean this? I still…I don’t want you to get into anything you don’t want to just because you think it’ll make me feel better, cause…”
“How many times do I have to tell you? No! It’s not like that!” Harper turned around as he heard the door they’d just passed through open again. “We’ll talk more later,” he said quickly before turning to look at Dylan and the others who had left the hospital.
“Are you ready to go back?” Rommie asked. Beka nodded slowly, looking embarrassed as she followed the android. Harper wondered why. Was she feeling bad for thinking that she was dating him? How could she have thought that anyway? How much time had he spent hitting on Rommie, and how many times had she turned him down? Not even gently…it almost seemed as if she took pleasure in turning him down. So, how could Beka have thought that suddenly, Rommie would decide she wanted a relationship with him? Then he realised something and he stopped for a moment, contemplating his latest thought.
”Beka used to turn me down all the time until I gave up…and now she suddenly wants a relationship with me…”
He reminded himself to keep walking, but couldn’t brush the thought from his mind. So far he hadn’t even given this a thought, but it made no sense that Beka would suddenly “fall in love” with him. It wasn’t as if he was complaining but…how had this come on?
Was it related to…no, it couldn’t be. He refused to believe it. He’d taken a lot of bashings over the years, but he was not ready to accept that she only wanted him because she was feeling so vulnerable she’d have anyone. Maybe it was the case, but he just would not believe it.
“Harper, are you ok?” Beka was looking at him with a concerned look on her face.
”How ironic…” He smiled at her and nodded quickly. “Of course I’m all right,” he said in the most cheerful voice he could muster. “I’m just so glad you’re coming home…” He hoped he sounded happy, and then mentally bashed himself for it not coming naturally. How could he not be happy? He wasn’t normally like this. Why did he have to concentrate on the one bad thing among all the good things? He smiled at her, trying to do his best to push the bad thoughts into the back of his mind. For now. “It’s going to be all right.”
****
“I’ve missed your cooking while you were gone,” Harper joked. Beka snorted at him and shook her head.
“Yeah, don’t flatter me. It’s not that good.”
“I didn’t say it was. I’m just happy I don’t have to do it.” She grabbed a pillow and smacked him over the head with it. He gave her a smirk as he retaliated quickly, throwing a pillow straight at her face so she fell backwards; dropping the plate of food she’d been holding. Sitting back up, laughing, she looked at the floor, where the plate, luckily aluminium based, had not broken but the food had scattered around it.
“Oh…”
“Sorry,” Harper said between giggles, “I’ll help you pick it up.” He threw a closer look and changed his mind. “Actually, why don’t you just have the rest of mine?” Beka hesitated for a moment. The polite thing would have been to tell him to just eat it and that she’d be fine, and she always would do that but…it didn’t seem like a good idea right now.
“You sure you’ll be ok then?” He nodded.
“Yeah, I’ll get something later. It was my fault you dropped it anyway.” She took the plate.
“That’s true,” she commented, “I guess you’ve got to pay for your mistakes.” She grinned at him again before starting to slowly nibble at the food. Harper twisted around, trying not to stare at her too much, even if that was what he wanted so desperately to do. He knew he didn’t like to be watched when he ate, and he didn’t have any problems with…that.
He looked at her and noticed she was still giggling slightly from their “fight” a moment ago. He smiled and tried to relax. This was how it should be, he told himself. They were friends. Even if it would never be more than that. Maybe when she was well she wouldn’t feel like she loved him anymore, but he could live with that, cause she’d always be his friend. He sighed. Why couldn’t he convince himself? He’d promised himself to let it go, but he had to ask…
“Beka?”
“Mm?”
“You know…what you said earlier.” She put the plate down and studied him carefully.
“I thought you wanted to leave that?”
“No! Yes! I mean…I don’t but…I do, cause I think it’d be good. But now I’m worried.”
“Why?”
“Well…look, I really don’t want to pile this on you but…when did you realise? I mean, I tell you that I have…feelings, and the next time we meet, you return them. I don’t understand. I understand that you’re feeling vulnerable, especially after what that guy did to you –“
“Please. I’d really rather not talk about that.”
“Sorry, but…I guess I just want to know why…although I know I shouldn’t.”
“Is it really a good idea to discuss this, seeing as…you want to leave it?”
“Well, no. You’re probably right.” He took a deep breath and sat down. She sighed.
“No,” she admitted, “it’s not because of him.”
“So…why? I mean, I used to hit on you all the time, that never got me anywhere.”
“I never figured you were serious, you do that with any woman you see. I guess I just didn’t figure you prepare candlelit dinners and get all nervous with anyone…well the nervous bit you’ve got down but…”
“You mean…ever since then?” She shrugged.
“I’d say it was a slow onset, and it’s always hard to tell exactly when it starts but…I know I refused to admit it, until yesterday.”
“Oh…” Harper wasn’t sure if his curiousity was sated yet or not, but he didn’t want to ask anymore questions, so he just remained quiet. She sighed and slumped down a little further.
“It’s all been so complicated,” she complained. “Just things going wrong, all the time. I know it’s always kind of been like that, but this last time…it feels so long. I wish everything could just get better now.”
“It can,” he pointed out and smiled, “but if it’s going to, you’ve got to eat your dinner.” She smiled back at him and picked the plate up again.
