“Boss?” Beka stopped and turned around, forcing a smile at her friend. He looked like he’d been running, bending over and panting. It took him a few seconds before he could continue. “I missed you at dinner yesterday.” Her face paled as she remembered. She had been meant to meet Harper the night before for dinner. How could she possibly forget, with all the fretting she’d been doing over it? He’d asked her to join her at the beginning of their shift, and she’d spent all day trying to think of a way to avoid eating. When she’d got back to the Maru, she’d just been so tired. Actually, she was always tired, but at the end of her shifts she generally felt ready to pass out. She faintly remembered laying down for a minute, telling herself it would only be a little rest…
“sh*t,” she said, more to herself than Harper, “I didn’t wake up after that, did I?” Harper frowned.
“Huh?” She flinched and looked over at him with a forced smile.
“I’m so sorry Harper,” she said, “I must have fallen asleep.” She was fighting a battle in her mind. Getting through a dinner without eating was hard. It was really hard, especially with only the two of you. At the same time though, she didn’t want Harper to feel like she didn’t want to know him. She valued their friendship very high, and losing that would be too painful. She finally decided. “Can I make it up to you?” she said, trying to sound sincere, “I’ll meet you tonight, maybe a bit earlier,” she flashed him another smile. He grinned at her, apparently satisfied with that reaction.
“Got ya,” he said, nodding. “How about I meet you at six? That way I‘ve got a while to prepare.” Beka frowned.
“Prepare?” she asked quizzically. “What’s there to prepare?” She gave a small giggle. “Auto chef, give me…whatever.” Harper shifted, looking embarrassed.
“I know,” he said, “but…you’ll see, ok! Just come to the obs deck at six.” He smiled at her and she watched him walk away with a bounce in his step. What was he up to?
****
Harper swallowed. Was he doing the right thing? He wasn’t sure at all, but it sure as hell felt like the right thing! He winced as the match burnt him and quickly blew it out, then took a step back to admire his handiwork. He was an awful cook and had already acquired the food from the auto chef, but the decorations were all his. He swallowed as he looked down at the properly laid table. He’d put on a white tablecloth, along with flowers and candles. It wasn’t their usual dinner setting, and he hoped Beka wouldn’t be repulsed.
“She can interpret it however she wants,” he thought, trying to reassure himself. “I could just be…trying to make her feel loved?” he thought. “As a friend. Or I could be…” he swallowed. He wasn’t even sure what he was trying to do. Harper generally just went with his instincts, and this was it. He just hoped Beka wouldn’t laugh at him, or worse, never want to talk to him again. He quickly glanced at the time. Nearly six. He swallowed. The day before he’d done all this and she hadn’t showed up, which had been quite upsetting. He just hoped she’d turn up this time. Luckily, he didn’t have to hope for very long. Beka entered the obs deck, wearing the same clothes as she’d worn all day. When she saw Harper’s setting, she froze, wide-eyed.
“Oh,” was all she said at first as she took in the view. “I didn’t realise…I’d have put something different on.” Harper sighed in relief. At least she hadn’t ran out yet…or laughed. He gave her a smile.
“Oh, no need,” he said, “You look fine.” She smiled at him and went to sit down, glancing over at the food. She raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t tell me you made this yourself?” He laughed.
“Me? Of course not!” He was very relieved the conversation had taken a casual turn.
“If you wanted a casual turn, why did you set things up like this?” he asked himself. He wasn’t even sure. Did he want it to be casual? Maybe. Maybe he wanted things to be…different. He wasn’t sure, so he decided to let things go however it went and sat down, piling food onto his plate.
“So,” Beka said, taking a sip from her glass, “why the set-up?” Harper blushed, trying to keep his face hidden from her. He cleared his throat and tried to do the same to his mind. It didn’t work all that well.
“I just thought…” he stuttered, “Um…I’m not sure?” By that time, Beka looked every inch as embarrassed as he felt. She quickly took a gulp of water from her glass and choked, starting to cough violently. Harper threw her a worried glance.
“You ok?” She nodded while she coughed, eventually stopping, giving him a faint smile.
“Sorry about that,” she said quietly, fingering her glass nervously again. Looking anywhere but him. Inside, Harper cursed himself. What had he been thinking? To his surprise however, Beka flashed him a smile.
“It’s sweet,” she said, and Harper nearly dropped his fork in surprise. Sweet? It was sweet? Not ridiculous? Not stupid? Not hilarious? Sweet? He shifted happily, pleased with himself. Sweet was good. He gave her another testing smile and nodded towards the food.
“Have some,” he said generously, “I noticed you didn’t have any lunch. You must be hungry.” Beka’s smile faded and she squirmed in her seat.
“Er,” she said, “I did have lunch.” He frowned. He could have sworn she didn’t, but it was hardly anything to argue about. After all, why would she be lying about whether she’d had lunch or not? He reached for the dish and spooned some food onto her plate. She looked strangely…repulsed. He frowned.
“What’s wrong?” he said, “there’s nothing wrong with the food, is there?” He looked at his own plate. It looked fine. Beka quickly shook her head.
“No, of course not,” she said unconvincingly. “Of course there’s nothing wrong with it.” Still, she dropped her fork and looked around her. “So,” she said, “had you set it all up like this yesterday?” Harper nodded, looking away and she gave a guilty “Oh”.
“It’s ok though,” he hurried to say, “I mean, it doesn’t take a lot.” She gave him a serious look.
“I’m sure it did Harper, and I’m really sorry. I can’t believe I stood you up like that.” Harper tried to shrug it off.
“You fell asleep, did you say?” She nodded, and he frowned. “Are you sure you’re ok?” She nodded, a little too quickly.
“Yes,” she said shortly. “I’m fine.” Her tone had grown firm, and Harper knew not to argue with that.
“So, um,” he said, trying to avoid any conversation that could possibly offend her. That was quite hard, being Harper, but he awarded himself an A* for effort. “I was thinking the other day, isn’t it time for shore leave soon?” Beka giggled.
“Shore leave? We only went shopping a week ago.” Harper shook his head and snorted.
“That doesn’t count!” he said, “I mean proper shore leave. Going off to a planet somewhere, sun, beach, sea. It’d be great, and we haven’t done that in…ages!” Beka wrinkled her nose.
“Eww. Not a planet.” Harper tilted his head and did a pouty lips gesture.
“Just think of all the good things,” he said as his mind drifted off, “sun bathing, swimming, big lovely hotel beds, moonlight strolls on the beach…” He cut himself off when he realised he’d gone a bit far. Beka had a confused look on her face.
“Harper…” she said, “since when do you like moonlight strolls on the beach?” He shrugged.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “I’m just saying, we should go. Maybe just you and me, you know. Away from Dylan and everyone. I think it’d be good…” he paused. “I think it’d be good for you,” he had been about to say. Bad choice of words. “…for both of us,” he finished. Beka shook her head and leant forward.
“Harper…what are you trying to tell me?” He looked down at the table and blushed again.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what I’m trying to tell you.” She started picking at her food, and he noticed she hadn’t eaten anything yet. Bad time to point it out though. He suddenly stood up, slamming the knife and fork down on his place. Beka gave him a startled look and stood up as well as he walked around the table.
“You’ll probably hate me for this,” he said, “and I’ll probably hate me too but…what the heck.” He grabbed her by the shoulders and planted a hard kiss on her lips. He knew he’d be pushed off straight away, so he figured he might as well make good use of the millisecond he’d have. To his surprise, she didn’t resist him. She actually responded. What started out rough, turned soft and gentle, but deeper at the same time. He’d never kissed anyone taller than him before, and on that aspect, it felt wrong…but on all other aspects, it felt so right. His hands were holding her neck, pulling her closer to him as the kiss deepened further, but they were slowly roaming downwards, wanting to touch her, to feel her
“NO!” she suddenly pulled away, looking terrified. She pulled her arms tightly around her, as if she was trying to protect herself from something. He wanted to cry. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, “I…I should go.” She quickly turned around, fleeing the obs deck, leaving Harper standing there, his arms hanging along his sides, with the taste of her still tingling on his lips.
****
She stepped into the Maru, the feeling of his tongue roaming her mouth still fresh in her mind. It was so wrong, she knew it. But it had felt so right, so natural…until his hands moved. She couldn’t have him touch her. No one could touch her. Not while she still looked like this.
“So,” the annoying little voice in her head said, “you’re letting your body-image destroy what could be something great?” She shook her head. She knew what the solution to that was. Lose more weight. That way her body couldn’t ruin anything else. Because…there was no way he could have wanted to do that. There was no way he could be, she frowned, attracted to her. Not with the way she looked. She sobbed as she realised what it was.
Pity. He felt sorry for her. He was the only one who cared for her no matter what she looked like, because they were so good friends. So he thought he’d let her think she was attractive by doing that. Pity. That’s all it was. Pity. But the only way to remedy everything would be to lose weight. And she wasn’t doing that anymore. Not properly.
She’d found it hard even to admit it to herself, but her weight loss had slowed down dramatically. She was so scared. Scared that she’d be stuck looking like she did. But she knew what she had to do. Stop eating anything. Drink minimal amounts of water. Double exercise. It would be hard, but she knew how important it was. Harper’s kiss had proved that. A pity kiss. Other people got that, but not her. She’d never had a pity kiss before. She stumbled onto her bunk, tears streaming down her face. She was so tired. Passing out kind of tired. It only took her a few minutes as she cried herself to sleep, tears still running down her face.
