Beka finally came out of slipstream. She was sweating all over, and she fought hard to catch her breath. Tears were slowly running down her cheeks.
"I can't believe that happened," she whispered to herself. She got up from the chair and tried to leave, but stumbled onto the floor. The Maru was quiet, not that it wasn't always, but it seemed worse somehow. The silence was overwhelming and Beka whimpered where she was laying on the floor. The space around seemed to be closing in on her, the darkness of it threatening to crush her. The only thing to protect her was the Maru, and even the faithful ship seemed to be betraying her today. It hadn't reacted well to all that slipstreaming, it wasn't the Andromeda, something which Beka seemed to have forgotten. It was struggling for power, but Beka wasn't about to do anything at all.
"Alone," she whispered, "and it's my own fault." She looked out through the viewscreen. "There must be somewhere I can go," she thought. But she wouldn't have her friends. It hurt to even think of them. She had betrayed them all. Only a couple of hours ago, they were best friends. Now, Beka knew they'd want nothing to do with her. The look in Harper's face...she clenched her eyes shut, trying to force the image out of her mind. It was too painful. She knew what they thought. She'd betrayed them all. She didn't care about them. But it was so wrong. They meant everything to her, and it didn't make sense why she'd done what she did. But she had, and there was nothing she could do to change it back. No matter how much she wanted to. She inched herself over to the panels in front of the viewscreen.
"Computer, record," she said, in a voice that she didn't recognise. The affirming beep came, and she started recording. "To Dylan, Harper and Trance. I am so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I guess this is my formal apology. Feel free to broadcast it to everyone, whatever it takes for you to forgive me." She pressed "delete" and sighed. How could she possibly send them something like that? What if they got it, and said no? What if they couldn't accept her apology? Sometimes just not trying would be better.
"I've made my own bed," she told herself sternly, "and I'll lie in it, if it kills me." She shook her head. She knew she couldn't be like this. There was no point in feeling sorry for herself, she didn't deserve it. If she'd just kept her mouth shut, everything would have been fine. She'd be laughing with Harper, or talking to Trance about her plants. As it was now, she had to try and repair the Maru. She hadn't done much repairs since Harper came aboard, but it was time to learn again.
"I need parts," she thought bitterly. "There should be a station around here somewhere. Maybe I could find someone who'll give me a job as well." A job would be just what she needed to take her mind off what had happened. She shook her head, trying to shake the truth off her mind, but it was there, and it wouldn't go away. She'd left the Andromeda. Freely. She'd had an argument with Dylan over something stupid, and she'd left. Abandoned her friends. Abandoned her mission. She hadn't even asked if they wanted to come. She'd just left.
She set course for the drift.