The knock on the door caused her head to perk up and her body to twitch, banging her back against the wall of the shower.
“Beka, are you ok?”
“Yeah,” she said, surprised to hear her voice trembling, “um, I’ll be right with you!” She quickly got out of the shower and threw some clothes on. Throwing a glance in the mirror, she stopped. The brown contacts she’d worn were out and she suddenly decided she wanted to look like her again. A quick shake of the head and she was back to shoulder-length, blonde curls. She opened the door and forced a smile.
“Rommie! What can I do for you?” The shorter woman took a moment to compose herself.
“I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Well, I’m just fine, as you can see,” Beka chirped as she walked past Rommie, trying to look as cheerful as she could.
“Hm. If you say so. Beka I was thinking…you know you don’t have to deal with this alone.”
“There’s nothing to deal with. I’m fine, really.” Rommie quirked an eyebrow.
“Oh, really?”
“Yep. Rommie…if you think this is going to affect my performances…”
“That’s not what I’m worried about. Look, you’ve been through a lot, it’s only natural for you to…”
“What? Look, I can deal with this. It’s over now, it’s not going to happen again and I’m going to be fine. It wasn’t like he actually did anything anyway, I don’t see what the fuss is about…” Rommie looked uncertain for a moment. “What?”
“We know what happened.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The ambassador. We know you met before, on that drift and well…we know what he did.” A flash of horror crept onto Beka’s face and she turned around quickly, facing the other way as she tried to regain her speech, her breath coming out in short gasps. No. They weren’t meant to find out. It was meant to be ok now, all gone and forgotten. Why did they have to find out?
“Could you go now?” Her voice was small, forced.
“Beka, you should think about counselling, I think…”
“No. Please just go.” Her voice was cracking up and Rommie sighed, admitting defeat. She cast one last glance over her shoulder before leaving Beka’s quarters.
****
“So she doesn’t want counselling?”
“Not right now, no. She seems…distressed, but hiding it.”
“Should I make it an order?”
“No, I don’t think so. She’s paranoid right now and I don’t want to cause her to believe we’re out to get her. We will be here for her, but it has to be on her terms.” He sighed.
“What about our other plan?” She lit up slightly.
“I’ve located it,” she said triumphantly, “and we’re heading there now. It should be no problem.”
“Well, at least something’s going right. Do you think it’ll help?” She shrugged.
“It should do. At least I hope it will.”
****
They knew. They knew what had happened, what she herself had been trying to suppress for months. It wasn’t right. They shouldn’t have found out. What would they think of her now? That she couldn’t take care of herself? What she already knew herself, that she was weak? Would they still want her around?
“Oh, who am I kidding, of course they will,” she muttered. “This is Captain Idealistic we’re talking about. He didn’t even throw me out when I was taking flash, though he probably should have. I’ve proven that now.” The thought went through her head like lightning. Flash. Was it the solution, the way out of this? It certainly did seem like it. Not only would it dull the pain, but it would get her fit for duty in no time.
No. Turning to drugs, no matter how desperate the situation was just couldn’t be a good idea. She willed herself to remember what had happened last time she’d done that. She’d almost killed all her friends in the process, and still had wanted more.
“Flash makes me weak,” she told herself sternly, “and I’ve been weak enough lately. I have to be strong now, I have to forget what happened, and if I can just act normal enough maybe everyone else will forget too.”
She threw herself on the bed and clenched her eyes shut, praying for the respite of sleep.
