Beka woke up with a scream as tremors shook her body. Looking around her she calmed down, remembering she was back on the Maru. Where she belonged. Still, she’d had the same dream several nights in a row and it didn’t seem like the presence of her ship was dulling them. She was getting seriously sleep-deprived and found it hard to stay alert during the day, but still her sleep was restless and haunted by that nightmare. As she started to calm down slightly, she realised the tank top she was wearing was moist with sweat, as was her hair. For a moment she thought about taking a shower, but had to admit she didn’t know if she would make it to the bathroom. She was still too shaky from her dream and, crying softly while clutching the pillows, laid back down again, praying futilely for some well-needed rest.
After an hour of tossing and turning, Beka gave up and finally decided it was time to go to medbay. As much as she’d put it off, maybe it would be worth it if Trance could help her sleep. She got dressed and started walking towards medbay, feeling somewhat in a daze from the lack of sleep. Andromeda popped up in front of her, a concerned look playing on her features.
“Are you all right?” Beka nodded quickly and walked past her. “Are you sure? It is the middle of the night you know, and my readings indicate, like they have for a few days, you are not sleeping well.” She threw the hologram an annoyed glance.
“I’m going to see Trance about that,” she explained quickly.
“It’s the middle of the night Beka, Trance won’t be in medbay now.” She stopped cold, realising the sleep-deprivation might have been affecting her more than she thought. “I’ll alert her,” Andromeda said quickly and disappeared. Beka continued her trek towards medbay.
Trance hadn’t got there when she arrived and Beka slumped down on one of the beds, burying her face in her hands. She wanted to go to sleep so badly but if the nightmares were going to come back, it wasn’t quite worth it. When she got the Maru back she’d thought things would get better, but it seemed like they only got worse, no matter what. Her mind had had so much time to wander while being taken off duty and she didn’t like the places it went. She couldn’t help going over what had happened, over and over again, reliving every moment of what he’d done to her, everything she’d been exposed to. Why couldn’t she just forget? She was fine and safe now, there was no point in over-analysing things.
“Beka, are you all right?” Trance’s concerned voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and she forced herself to smile.
“Yeah…just been having some problems sleeping.”
“Nightmares?” Her first instinct was to deny it, but if she told Trance maybe she’d give her something that would stop them.
“Yeah,” she admitted.
“That is normal,” Trance reassured her, “they’ll go away once you start dealing with things, which you know we are all more than willing to help you do when you’re ready, but for now I’ll give you a sedative. It should stop you having nightmares and give you a good night’s sleep, actually it should stop you dreaming at all.” Beka nodded and gratefully let Trance inject her. She laid down on the bed and curled up comfortably.
“Thanks,” she mumbled before falling into a calm sleep.
****
Somehow, after only a week of using the sedatives, the nightmares managed to work their way back into her mind, causing her to wake up screaming again. She went back to Trance to ask for stronger medication, which the medic reluctantly gave her. They worked for a few nights as well but soon Beka found herself having the dreams again.
“I’m sorry Beka, but I don’t think it would be wise to give you any stronger medication,” Trance said truthfully. “You know, they’re more likely to go away if you talk to someone about them, about what troubles you.” Beka quickly shook her head.
“Um, no, I’m sure they’ll go away anyway. I’d better go.” She turned on her heel and quickly left medbay. So she was back to having the nightmares now then. Great. Maybe she should just avoid sleeping altogether, it couldn’t get worse really, could it?
She went back to the Maru and, unsure of what to do, slumped down on the floor. For a brief second she wondered whether Trance was right, maybe she should talk to someone? Maybe it would make things better? She shook her head quickly and wrapped her arms around herself protectively. No, that would be a bad idea. Why, she wasn’t sure.
Because it’s all your fault.
She whimpered as the little voice in her head made itself known.
You deserve this, all the pain you’re feeling.
Curling up in a fetal position she clutched her knees and shook her head.
Yes you do. You’re nothing but a useless little whore.
“No,” she whispered. “It’s not true.”
Did you really think they could take you back as the person you used to be? You’re not her anymore, you never will be.
She sobbed as she realised the voice was right.
