She looked around her before slipping through the doorway, hoping Andromeda wouldn’t think anything strange of her nightly adventure. Looking around her in the dark room she immediately spotted the right cupboard.
“Andromeda?” she whispered. There was no reply and she smiled slightly. The codes she’d put in Andromeda’s systems had worked a charm. The ship had no idea what she was up to.
Her hands trembling with fatigue, she reached into the cupboard and, looking through the small bottles of medicine, she finally found what she was looking for. The rational part of her knew Trance hadn’t refused to give her stronger sedatives just to be mean, but for a good reason, but she was way too tired to care. She just wanted to go to sleep, and stay asleep. Her knees suddenly buckled and she fell on the floor as she heard something.
You think they’re going to help you get away?
She got up and tried to ignore it. She knew the voices was only in her head and they would go away if she could only will them to.
They can’t help you get away from who you are.
She grabbed the bottle harder and swallowed as she started walking, on unsteady legs, ignoring the voices even though the words were bringing tears to her eyes.
It wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t know it was true.
That hit home. Running as fast as she could, she got back to the Maru, tears running down her cheeks. The voices were right in everything they said about her, and with trembling hands, she opened the bottle and took a few pills. Respite, if only for a while.
****
She woke up the next morning feeling better than she had in a while. She got up and sighed pleasurably as her feet hit the floor, finally rested after a long time of nightmares. She got dressed and started to walk towards the shower, stretching on the way. Dylan had finally allowed her to go back on light duty after a lot of persuading, which had made her feel a bit better. Keeping busy did seem like a good plan, even if it was hard with the lack of sleep. The pills should make that better. After showering, she quickly got dressed and walked towards command. She smiled at Dylan as she walked in and he looked surprised.
“You look better,” he commented as he walked up to her. “Glad to have you back.” He placed his arm around her and pulled her into a tentative hug. At his touch, a pang of fear hit her. She felt trapped, vulnerable, scared. She whimpered and backed off, hiding her face in her hands. Dylan let her go immediately and backed off slightly, giving her a concerned look. She suddenly looked up.
“Oh God. Sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.” He smiled uncertainly.
“It’s ok,” he said, “I understand. Why don’t you take your station?” She smiled back at him and hesitantly walked up to the pilot’s chair. She looked at it for several moments, wondering whether she should sit there or not. Somehow it didn’t seem right. “Beka?” Dylan gave her a concerned look. She smiled at him quickly and sat down, holding her breath. She slowly relaxed. It didn’t feel weird. It felt quite good actually.
“I’m fine,” she said out loud, though mostly to herself. It seemed the whole of the command deck breathed a sigh of relief as the normal chatter resumed. She grabbed the controls.
“All right!” Dylan said cheerfully. “Bring us to slipstream.”
****
She’d been on command for nearly an hour and was starting to relax in her old position. It didn’t feel bad, it really didn’t. She entered slipstream and reveled in the feeling it brought her, like she could do anything. It was the only time she felt like that anymore.
You really think they still want you?
She whimpered as the voices interrupted her concentration. She tried to regain it, but found herself unable to ignore them.
They’re only pretending because they’re too nice to throw you out.
She gasped as she felt the ship slipping out of the stream, fighting to keep them steady, but couldn’t.
You’ll see. Slowly, they’ll distance themselves from you. Soon, they won’t even talk to you anymore.
“Rommie, assume flight control,” Beka whispered as she slumped in the chair, unable to keep them in the slipstream. It was a rocky ride, but Rommie got them out in one piece.
You’ll see.
Beka whimpered, wishing the voices would go away. Dylan walked up to her, giving her concerned looks, but taking care not to touch her again.
“Maybe I was too soon to put you back on duty. It’d probably be a good idea if you go back to the Maru and rest.” She wanted to tell him she was fine, that she didn’t need to rest, but how could she?
See…they want you to go away.
“No,” she thought back to the voices, “he’s only thinking of my own good.”
Is that really what you think? They only want you away because you’re a danger to them…you’re not good enough.
She walked off command without a word, trying to not think about what the voices were saying. Because of course, they were right. She stumbled into the Maru and reached for the bottle of pills on the bedside table, desperate to get away from the voices, the fears and the feelings, filling her to the brim and almost spilling over.
She slumped down on the bed, soon fast asleep.
