She wasn’t sure how she’d done it, but she’d lived with the voices for months. The sleeping pills were the only thing that would shut them up, though they didn’t block out the nightmares. They differed now, sometimes she was back in the dark alley, sometimes she was being abandoned on an uninhabited planet somewhere because none of the crew wanted her anymore. The second one scared her the most, even though being raped again was very high on her list of fears. She constantly found herself looking over her shoulder, and the voices weren’t exactly helping. Teasing, taunting, they always managed to hit her where it hurt the most. How she’d managed to hide it from the rest of the crew so far was beyond her, though she was sure they suspected something was up.
She still woke up with unexplained wounds, not every night but quite often. There was hardly any space left on her arms anymore, but whoever was hurting her didn’t seem to have a quarrel with going over old scars. She’d tried hiding all the knives and sharp things she had, but somehow they always found them. It wasn’t her worst problem anyway. Physical pain she could deal with. It was the voices.
She’d found they wouldn’t be as bad if she did whatever they told her to do, so as a result, she had become their slave. They’d told her to stay away from everyone. So she hardly left the Maru. They frequently told her not to eat. So she’d starve. They told her not to cry. So she was empty instead, feeling as if she was dying a little every day. Sometimes she’d find she’d been sitting in a spot for hours, not realising time was even going by. Sometimes she’d find herself in places she didn’t remember going to. She had memory lapses, where hours would disappear. She just hoped no one had ever seen her during these times. She wasn’t sure what went on.
She knew though, that as long as she followed the voices’ commands she’d be all right. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that before all this started, she’d never have succumbed to them. She would have fought them; she would never have done what they said. She knew that was true, but she just couldn’t fight anymore. She had no strength left. It was easier to do as they said, and she wasn’t going to do anything else than what was the easiest. She’d rather starve; she’d rather die than live with the consequenses of not following their rules.
Currently she was splashed out on the bed, having a quiet moment where they weren’t hurting her. Those were few and far between, and even though she wasn’t exactly happy, she was still a lot less unhappy than she’d been in a while. Of course though, that couldn’t last for long.
****
“Dylan?”
“Yes Harper?”
“Um…I know Beka’s meant to be on leave and everything but…”
“So she’s bribed you into asking for her. The answer is no.”
“Huh?”
“You’ve been talking to her, haven’t you?”
“Um…no. That’s what I was going to talk about.”
“Oh, right.” Now he was interested. Harper wasn’t talking to Beka? They were always talking…or scheming. He preferred the first. Then again, things had been different lately. “Sit down, Harper.”
“Ok,” he sat down. “Right.” He took a deep sigh. “Well, the thing is, I know she’s meant to be on leave but I swear she hasn’t even been outside the Maru for…weeks. I haven’t seen her anyway, have you?” Dylan felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights. He hadn’t, had he? How could he not have noticed? He was meant to be taking care of his crew, and he hadn’t even noticed she hadn’t been out for…weeks. Harper frowned at him. “Dylan?”
“No…no, you’re right. I haven’t.”
“Well…I just have a feeling something’s wrong with her. Like I did when she left? And I was right then, wasn’t I?”
“Well,” Dylan interjected, “yes, but of course something’s wrong. Harper, she was…she went through a lot and…I’d be shocked if she was fine.” Harper shook his head.
“No, I mean…not in general, but now. Right now.”
“Well…why are you here then? Why don’t you go see her?” Harper was silent for a few seconds, then got up and left the room. Dylan wondered for a moment whether he should have come as well, but decided against it. Beka probably wouldn’t appreciate the crowd anyway.
****
She pulled the hairs at her head, desperately trying to make the voices go away. They wouldn’t be quiet, screaming in her head as if they were trying to outvoice something. There was nothing else there, but they still wouldn’t shut up, She clutched at her head while whimpering, wishing they would just go away. They told her she was worthless and she didn’t know why. She already knew, but it still hurt. Why were they telling her what she already knew?
She wasn’t even sure what she was doing now, she knew she was doing something but it was like her mind just hid, relaxed, cried the tears her body couldn’t quite manage yet. It needed to come out somehow. She needed to do what they said, even though she wasn’t quite sure what. She knew though, somehow. She wasn’t sure what she was doing, but she was doing something. Maybe…maybe it would make them go away.
****
The Maru’s air felt somehow thick. What did this remind him of? Why did he have a feeling he was reliving that time on the drift when he’d found Beka as a prostitute? Why did he have a feeling something similar was going to happen? Yet he also felt as if though this was where he needed to be. He couldn’t leave, he knew that. Still, he felt so frightened as he walked through the silent ship, trying to find her. While walking past the bathroom, he heard quiet sobs from inside. He didn’t want to intrude on her privacy, so he knocked on the door. There was no answer. He gently pushed the door open, slowly so that she could stop him if she wanted to. She didn’t, and he opened the door completely.
At what he saw inside, it was a wonder he didn’t faint right there and then, but it made him fall to his knees and cry out in shock.
