She walked around medbay. Back and forth. Back and forth. Looked at the time. Twenty seconds later than when she’d last looked. She turned around again, walked back to the other side of the room. She started humming loudly, trying to occupy herself as much as she could. She no longer had the voices troubling her; they’d disappeared suddenly without a trace. She didn’t feel half as bad as she had, but of course, sometimes thoughts just crept up on her, especially when it was silent and she had nothing to do. Boredom made the fear creep out of its shell and while she was happy things had suddenly got so much better, she longed for her freedom back. She didn’t really feel like she could say anything though. Only days earlier she’d been let off restraints, which had of course been a huge relief, but now she wanted more.
She wanted her freedom back. She wanted to be able to do things, to busy herself in order to block out all the thoughts. Sure, she knew she should take time to go over it, but surely there was a difference between dealing with and dwelling on? She had no choice but to dwell in the circumstances. Nothing but walls staring back at her, even if people did frequently check up on her. Of course they couldn’t stay all the time. She understood that. They had things to do, duties to see to, and that made knowledge made it even harder. Somewhat like a jealous child she wanted to scream ”Me too!
“Beka, are you all right?” She turned around and saw Andromeda’s face on the viewscreen. She sighed.
“Yes, fine,” she said automatically before turning around. Funny how she sounded more robotic in her tone than a computer.
“Are you sure? You’ve been pacing the room for the last…”
“Yeah, so what?” Beka cut her short. “What else am I meant to do? Oh, the choices! Let’s see, I could stand over here, or I could stand over there. And maybe, if I really want to have a ball, I could sit down on the bed!”
“You could just say you’re bored.”
“What, no one thought I might be? I just don’t want to bother anyone. If no one can really figure out that being left alone in a room with nothing to do but stare at the wall will make anyone depressed, well then…”
“Are you feeling depressed now? Should I call Rev?”
“No! Damn, I don’t want counselling! I want something to do. Things are fine now, as fine as they’ll be. Whatever medication Trance is using, I guess it’s working. It’s working, all right? I don’t get memory lapses, I don’t hear any voices in my head apart from yours, I’m fine. So why can’t I do anything? Why can’t I go back on duty?” Andromeda looked uncertain for a moment.
“It’s just precautions, Beka,” she said. “of course we don’t want to keep you locked up here. Would you prefer to be in your quarters?”
“And do what?”
“You have holodramas, don’t you?” Beka was silent for a moment.
“…yes.”
“And I’m sure you could go to command if you want to, as long as you’re not alone.”
“Oh, cause I’m really never alone now, am I?”
“Is that the problem?”
“What?”
“Are you feeling lonely?”
“Well, no, I mean, ok, yes, I am, all right? I understand they all have work to do, and I can’t demand they all come to visit me, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“I don’t like them having to come ‘visit’ me! It’s so unnatural, so strange! We used to be a crew, now I’m just a passenger. So yes, it does feel terribly lonely.” Andromeda sighed.
“I’ll speak to Trance and Dylan, see what they say about letting you come back on light duty. For now, you can go to your quarters. Straight to your quarters though.”
“Yeah, fine,” Beka mumbled. “I’ll just go straight to the other prison like a good girl.”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” Andromeda blinked out and Beka moved towards the doors, which had now opened, allowing her to finally leave medbay. She started walking down the corridor, trying to tell herself this was normal. She’d come so far from when she was hiding in the Maru, trying to escape from those voices…she shuddered. She had come far and she’d get even further. Things could only get better now.
You’re so pathetic, you couldn’t even kill yourself properly! She gasped and threw herself against a wall, blocking her ears as hard as she could.
And now you think you’re getting better…you’re not going to get any better. You felt better for a few days? That happens. Doesn’t make you not insane.
“No…” she sobbed. “Please, no…”
They haven’t even had time to come visit you, have they? You see it, don’t you. Their patience wearing thin…wondering how long they have to put up with you now…
“It’s not like that,” she gasped.
Do you really think they deserve to have you around? If you really cared about them, you’d do what you know you have to do. Leave. Just leave. You’ll know where to go. They’ll never have to put up with you again.
Her thoughts and mind became blurry as she turned around and started slowly walking towards the hangar bay.
